I’m using a steroidal cream — time to hit homers for whichever MLB club signs me

Posted: 05/31/2013 in baseball
Tags: , , , ,

I am officially on a steroidal cream as of Friday and I alerted all 30 major-league baseball teams via Twitter of this big development.


There are a lot of offensive fireworks awaiting whichever team is serious about adding a productive power bat.

I’m guessing the Miami Marlins are probably searching for the name of my agent as I type.

My background certainly points to somebody who can help out a team in the short term:

* I hit a home run in Little League and was an All-Star player as a 15-year-old in the neighborhood senior league.

* I’ve been in major-league clubhouses and dugouts as a member of the media so I certainly won’t be intimidated by stepping into those places while wearing a big-league uniform.

* I’ve made a career out of handling stressful situations so I doubt facing Craig Kimbrel in the ninth inning with the game on the line could be anywhere near as difficult as filing a 25-inch game story, a 15-inch notebook,  a postgame show and a report card while a football game is still being played.

* In fact, my versatility could help out in a way different from any player in big-league history. After the game is over, I can help the public relations director finish up the next day’s game notes and catch all the factual errors.

* Ever seen the rude comments anonymous folks post on the bottom of a newspaper article on Websites? Building up a strong skin to ignore such nonsense will make it easy to let those catcalls from drunkards in the bleachers go in one ear and right out the other.

Pretty sure I will enjoy the funny ones – something like “pinch hit Roger Craig” being yelled in the 19th inning of a game certainly will prompt a chuckle from me. Though I never will quite understand why Whitey Herzog crudely yells “Eat my ass! …” at fans peering into the dugout and asking him a simple question an hour before the game starts.

I’m definitely not doing this for the money – oh, what’s that? I can make more money in these two weeks playing a game than over the entire year as a writer and editor?

Sounds like it is about time to go to the storage shed and find the old ball glove and a bat or two. Probably need a new pair of cleats and some batting gloves.

You know, the more I think about this, I should just continue using the cream for more than the two weeks. I could put up crazy offensive numbers and I’m guessing the health benefits plan is better than the one I have.

I could hit a lot of homers and make a lot of money using this cream. I could be the next Barry Bonds — well, I’m not going to become THAT much of a grump.

Uh oh, got an email from one of my brothers pointing out the down side. Has something to do with an area below the waist and … well … let’s just say these short-term powers of strength might have long-term issues down the road.

I suppose I will be ignoring the Marlins’ phone call. They can find a clean-up hitter elsewhere.


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