Looking for definitive proof that there are way too many college football bowl games? Then try coming up with snappy one-liners for all 34 games.

Simple math tells me that 68 major-college teams will be playing in bowl games between Dec. 19 and Jan. 7. I scanned the list at least 28 times and I can’t find San Diego State anywhere.

Oops, I forgot. The last place you’ll ever find San Diego State is in a bowl game. Hard to make a bowl game when your most recent winning season came in 1998.

So let’s move on to the teams that don’t start their offseasons as early as the Aztecs annually do. Here’s your one-stop primer for all 34 college football bowl games.

Saturday, Dec. 19
New Mexico
(Albuquerque): Wyoming (6-6) vs. Fresno State (8-4) – Wyoming’s presence shows college football needs to drop at least half a dozen bowl games.

St. Petersburg (St. Petersburg, Fla.) Rutgers (8-4) vs. Central Florida (8-4) – Hopefully Central Florida coach George O’Leary doesn’t forget to put this on his falsified resume.

Sunday, Dec. 20
New Orleans:
Southern Mississippi (7-5) vs. Middle Tennessee (9-3) – Is there a Middle Kentucky? If not, why is there a Middle Tennessee?

Tuesday, Dec. 22
Las Vegas:
Brigham Young (10-2) vs. Oregon State (8-4) – Sources say BYU is hoping to play in 32 consecutive Las Vegas Bowls; current count is at 5.

Wednesday, Dec. 23
Poinsettia
(San Diego): Utah (9-3) vs. California (8-4) – I can remember Cal coach Jeff Tedford being bitter about playing in Holiday Bowl. So how unhappy is he to be at San Diego’s second-rate bowl?

Thursday, Dec. 24
Hawaii
(Honolulu): Southern Methodist (7-5) vs. Nevada (8-4) – SMU coach June Jones returns to the Islands but something tells me this won’t be a memorable return.

Saturday, Dec. 26
Little Caesar’s
(Detroit): Marshall (6-6) vs. Ohio (9-4) – Thundering Herd in because Big Ten didn’t have seven bowl-eligible teams.

Meineke Car Care (Charlotte, N.C.): Pittsburgh (9-3) vs. North Carolina (8-4) – This would make a good basketball matchup. Wonder if the hoops teams are available that day?

Emerald (San Francisco): Boston College (8-4) vs. USC (8-4) – The Trojans are used to playing in major bowls so it has to be a shock to play in a baseball ballpark where both teams stand on the same side of the field.

Sunday, Dec. 27
Music City
(Nashville, Tenn.): Clemson (8-5) vs. Kentucky (7-5) – This season’s top all-purpose player (Clemson’s C.J. Spiller) against next season’s best (Kentucky’s Randall Cobb).

Monday, Dec. 28
Independence
(Shreveport, La.): Texas A&M (6-6) vs. Georgia (7-5) – Can we just change the name to the Major Disappointment Bowl?

Tuesday, Dec. 29
EagleBank (
Washington, D.C.): Temple (9-3) vs. UCLA (6-6) – Why is there an EagleBank Bowl and what is UCLA doing playing in it?

Champs Sports (Orlando): Miami (9-3) vs. Wisconsin (9-3) — How does “Champs” get in the name when it’s the fourth-best ACC team playing the fifth-best Big Ten team?

Wednesday, Dec. 30
Humanitarian
(Boise, Idaho): Bowling Green (7-5) vs. Idaho (7-5) – This would be a big-time who cares regular-season game so how does it qualify as a bowl game?

Holiday (San Diego): Nebraska (9-4) vs. Arizona (8-4) – See if you can say Ndamukong Suh really fast five consecutive times. And think, it’s more difficult to block him.

Thursday, Dec. 31
Armed Forces
(Fort Worth, Texas): Air Force (7-5) vs. Houston (10-3) – Tune in to see if the arm of Houston quarterback Case Keenum (659 pass attempts in 13 games) finally falls off.

Sun (El Paso, Texas): Stanford (8-4) vs. Oklahoma (7-5) – My Heisman Trophy winner, Toby Gerhart, has outside chance of 2,000-yard rushing season.

Texas (Houston): Missouri (8-4) vs. Navy (9-4) – If I didn’t watch the Army-Navy game, why would Missouri-Navy intrigue me?

Insight (Tempe, Ariz.): Minnesota (6-6) vs. Iowa State (6-6) – OK, why are they playing in Arizona? Are all the small ice hockey rinks in Minnesota and Iowa booked?

Chick-fil-A (Atlanta): Virginia Tech (9-3) vs. Tennessee (7-5) – Does Tennessee’s football hostesses get to make the trip?

Friday, Jan. 1
Outback
(Tampa): Northwestern (8-4) vs. Auburn (7-5) – This game would intrigue me if Charles Barkley was coaching Auburn.

Capital One (Orlando): Penn State (10-2) vs. LSU (9-3) – Hope the game is close so LSU coach Les Miles can mess up clock management on the first day of the new year.

Gator (Jacksonville): Florida State (6-6) vs. West Virginia (9-3) – Bobby Bowden’s final game as Seminoles’ coach comes against the school he coached before leaving for Florida State.

Rose (Pasadena): Ohio State (10-2) vs. Oregon (10-2) – Wouldn’t it be fun to see LeGarrette Blount throw a postgame punch at stoic Buckeyes coach Jim Tressel?

Sugar (New Orleans): Florida (12-1) vs. Cincinnati (12-0) – Tim Tebow’s final collegiate game is taking place 2,000 miles further east than he wanted.

Saturday, Jan. 2
International
(Toronto): South Florida (7-5) vs. Northern Illinois (7-5) – Can’t imagine too many Canadians being excited about this directional pairing.

Papa Johns (Birmingham, Ala.): Connecticut (7-5) vs. South Carolina (7-5) – Lou Holtz didn’t get it done at South Carolina and neither has the Ol’ Ball Coach, Steve Spurrier.

Cotton (Arlington, Texas): Oklahoma State (9-3) vs. Mississippi (8-4) – I’ve set the over/under on text messages Ole Miss coach Houston Nutt receives in the hour before kickoff from female Arkansas TV reporters at 52.

Liberty (Memphis, Tenn.): East Carolina (9-4) vs. Arkansas (7-5) – I’d be very, very excited to watch … if Chris Johnson (East Carolina) and Darren McFadden (Arkansas) were playing.

Alamo (San Antonio): Michigan State (6-6) vs. Texas Tech (8-4) – Has it ever dawned on you that Michigan State’s famous mascot (Sparty) usually looks tougher than the players?

Monday, Jan. 4
Fiesta
(Glendale, Ariz.): Boise State (13-0) vs. Texas Christian (12-0) – The BCS Busters got shafted by being pitted against one another, which saves two major programs (yeah, Florida, I’m including you) from being beaten.

Tuesday, Jan. 5
Orange
(Miami): Georgia Tech (11-2) vs. Iowa (10-2) – This would be a solid first-round playoff game but the BCS system has rendered this contest meaningless.

Wednesday, Jan. 6
GMAC
(Mobile, Ala.): Troy (9-3) vs. Central Michigan (11-2) – Spending this night watching a D-League basketball game never sounded so good.

Thursday, Jan. 7
BCS National Championship Game
(Pasadena): Alabama (13-0) vs. Texas (13-0) – Hopefully Colt McCoy now understands how to stop the clock in the final seconds.

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