Shame on you major-league baseball. Shame on you faceless television executives. Shame on you (again) Bud Selig.

Because of the way baseball and television have combined to make the postseason stretch longer than winter in South Dakota, it isn’t possible to label Chase Utley’s postseason heroics with a simple nickname.

The Philadelphia Phillies All-Star second baseman has five home runs in the 2009 World Series, tying the record set by Reggie Jackson in 1977.

Jackson earned the nickname “Mr. October” for his epic performance. But what do we call Utley?

We can’t call him Mr. October II because the World Series no longer ends in October. We can’t dub him Mr. November because he hit his first two homers in this World Series while the calendar still read October.

We could try to mix the months but nothing flows well — Mr. Octember sounds like an old farmer hawking cucumbers and Mr. Novctober sounds like an owl gone mad in the middle of night.

The tabloid media sure loved pinning the nickname “Octomom” on the Southern California freak (as if the rest of the country didn’t already think Californians lived with a few screws loose) who welcomed eight new kids to the family, raising the total to 14.

And now Chase Utley owns the New York Yankees pitching staff. His current teammate, Pedro Martinez, knows a little bit about ownership.

When Martinez pitched for the Boston Red Sox and lost to the Yankees much more often than he won, he referred to the sad truth this way:

“What can I say? I tip my hat and call the Yankees my daddy.”

So now it is the Yankees who have no answer when Utley steps into the batter’s box. The left-handed hitting Utley has hit three homers off New York lefty CC Sabathia and narrowly missed a fourth when the ball hit high off the right-center field fence. Everybody else has had trouble against Sabathia this postseason so perhaps Utley has become Sabathia’s daddy.

While Ryan Howard’s repeated swings and misses are sending the cold East Coast air over to Spain, the four-time All-Star is single-handedly keeping Philadelphia alive in this World Series. This series would already be over if not for the quiet, hard-working second baseman of the Phillies. (Oh yeah, it’s November — the World Series should have been over a few days ago. Thanks again, Bud.)

Our guy Chase once played on the same Long Beach Little League team as Sean Burroughs, the former Little League World Series hero who was a major flop with the San Diego Padres. Burroughs’ daddy, Jeff Burroughs, was the American League MVP in 1974.

Hey, I just saw another daddy reference there. Now that Utley has joined Reggie Jackson as the patriarch of World Series home run hitters, perhaps being the father of something is in order.

Since Novdaddy sounds really odd and twisted, and a mixture of the two months might prompt some Northwestern University linguistics professor to send me mean e-mails about my use of the English language, it’s clear what we must now call Mr. Utley. I can already hear the Yankees’ public-address announcer identifying Utley this way as he steps up to the plate for the first time during Game 6 on Wednesday night.

“Now batting for the Philadelphia Phillies, the second baseman, Octodaddy.”


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